In All My Dreams I Drown
by INeverExplainAnything
Summary: "Strange, I thought, how you can be living your dreams and your nightmares at the very same time." Maria has an unsettling dream after the events of the grand and glorious party.


A/N I don't know what to say about this, but it just popped into my head and wouldn't leave me alone – especially after half a bottle of wine. It's really strange and… yeah, strange. But I had the song, "In All My Dreams I Drown", stuck in my head and the idea wouldn't leave me alone. All the spoken dialogue in this story is taken from the song lyrics.

This is not going to be everyone's cup of tea, maybe not anyone's - there is nothing explicit (this is rated K+) but it's… odd. I'm not even sure how I feel about it. I had fun writing it and I guess that's what matters, right?

* * *

"Strange, I thought, how you can be living your dreams and your nightmares at the very same time."  
\- Ransom Higgs, _Hollow City_

* * *

Maria stood in her room still clutching her old grey dress, not even the poor wanted, to her chest. It wasn't clear how long she stood there; it was as if she was suspended in time, unable to move. The words the Baroness had spoken to her were still ringing in her ears.

" _The Captain would hardly be a man if he didn't notice you."_

 _"There's nothing more irresistible to a man than a woman who's in love with him."_

 _"He'll get over it soon enough, I should think. Men do, you know."_

It wasn't true - it couldn't be true. Or had Maria been too naïve? She knew she'd grown to admire and respect the Captain, and it was possible that had turned into something more. There had been times when he would look at her and she could hardly breathe. And tonight, when she had been in his arms and he had held her close, she had thought for one delirious moment that he might kiss her, and her body had positively hummed with delicious anticipation at the idea.

"… _The Captain couldn't keep his eyes off you."_

Did the Baroness's words scare her because they were true or was she scared that they weren't? She didn't know! But she did know that she wanted to be in his arms again and she wanted him to hold her and kiss her. And maybe that was answer enough.

There was a shattering crash of thunder outside and she heard her windows bang open as they were blown by the raging winds. Racing to the window, she hastily closed them and leant against the wall. She could hear a storm raging outside; it was all she could hear now. The sounds of the party had faded away and there was nothing but the crack of lightning and howling winds. She wanted to leave, but she was not brave enough to go outside in this weather. Moving back to her bed, she sent a heartfelt prayer and then shrugged into the itchy dress. As soon as the storm eased up, she would head for Nonnberg.

Sitting on her bed, she forced herself to keep her eyes open, too scared to fall asleep. Afraid of sleeping too long and being unable to escape, and also afraid of her dreams - her dreams where she drowned in blue eyes.

There was a strange shuffling outside and Maria sat up straighter in her bed. The noise continued, the sound of it standing out even with the storm raging on outside. Maybe it was Marta? Or little Gretl? Maybe they were outside her door, frightened by the storm and wanting comfort? Maria drew in a calming breath and opened her door a fraction, but there was nobody there. Opening the door even further, she stuck her head out and peered down the corridor but there was nothing but inky darkness.

What happened to the party? And where were the guests? On careful feet, she walked out into the dark hall and heard the shuffling noise again.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" she called, not sure whether she wanted an answer or not.

There was nothing but silence, which seemed to suck at her words and eat them up. Easing herself back into her room, Maria closed her door carefully. She jumped when her window blew open again and she moved over to shut it, but when she did, what she saw outside startled her. There was no sign of the large grounds being plundered by a raging storm. Well, there was the storm but it was beating against mountains of towering waves. Looking outside her window, she turned her head to inspect the side of the house.

But it was no longer a house, but a large ship. It ploughed through the angry waves and she could make out the possible flicker of a candle in the few other windows she could see. She watched mesmerised as the wild sea stretched outside her window, right out towards the darkness. But no, it wasn't complete darkness. In the distance there was a light, a glowing light that lit up a red dome.

It was Nonnberg Abbey! Maria could see it, glinting like a setting sun. Suddenly she just knew that was where she was headed in this wild weather, in her strange ship. She felt like days passed as she watched the red dome grow ever so slowly closer, her safe shore nearly within reach. It didn't matter how tired she was because she refused to sleep. It wouldn't be long before she was safe.

Shutting the window, she returned back to her bed and tried to pray. But as she was on her knees, her tightly clasped hands resting on the bed, her door burst open. Maria shot to her feet and saw the Captain standing in her doorway, one hand holding a flickering lantern. He wasn't wearing the fine evening suit of the party any longer, but the same smoking jacket he had worn on her first night in the villa.

"You haven't slept," the Captain said, "In many suns and moons."

"Oh," Maria said and drew in a deep breath as the ship swayed. "I will sleep when we reach shore and pray we get there soon."

There was another crash as a wave hit the side of the ship, and she could hear the winds howling vigorously outside her window. The Captain fixed his gaze on her, his eyes burning right through her. She couldn't move; she didn't want to move. His blue eyes held her and she went to open her mouth but he spoke before she had a chance.

"Now hush, love," he said, his words hard. "Here's your gown."

The Captain held out her abbey issued nightgown, the cream colour a stark contrast to the darkness. He walked over to her and placed the lantern on her bedside table. Maria took the nightgown from him with shaking fingers.

"There's the bed," he said and blew out the candle in the lantern, bathing them in muted moonlight. "Lantern's down."

"But I don't want to go to sleep," Maria said softly.

She could see his eyes in the dark; they were vivid and harsh like the storm outside. Her heart was beating against her chest and she tried to keep herself steady as the ship rocked.

Maria swallowed. "In all my dreams, I drown."

He regarded her with nothing but cold indifference before he marched out of the room, shutting the door behind him. She raced back over to the window and looked out over the furious waves. In the storm, she could still see the shining beacon that was Nonnberg Abbey. It was closer now, she could make out more points of light and she briefly shut her eyes in prayer once more.

 _"Surely you've noticed the way he looks into your eyes."  
_  
The Baroness was wrong, he didn't look at all in any way except contempt. Had she imagined it all? Those moments when he'd look at her, had it been the silly dreams of a girl desperate for affection? Desperate for a home? A girl so desperate, she was willing to give herself to God, even though she knew, in her heart, that she did not belong with the Sisters. But it was the only home she _had._

"Heave ho! Heave ho!" came the Captain's voice as it blared outside her room, startling her.

She heard the waters gnash at the side of the ship and the creak as it fought through the current. Maria grabbed onto her bed to steady herself and cast another look outside, but the storm hadn't eased at all. And if anything, it was worse.

"A storm is brewing in the South," came a deep voice.

Maria whirled around and the Captain was sitting in the armchair in the corner of her room, a guitar held on his lap. Maria once again was transfixed, unable to take her eyes from his. But he wasn't staring at her with coldness now; his gaze was soft and welcoming. It was just like the night of the puppet show, he had captured her so effortlessly then. Maybe that's when the silly crush had started, the desperate hope. Or maybe it was just when she had put a name to the things she was feeling.

The Captain stood, placing the guitar gently on the ground, and moved towards her slowly. The ship swayed, but he wasn't bothered, a solid rock within the raging tide.

He was in front of her now. "It's time you go to sleep."

Maria went to open her mouth to protest but he silenced her with a finger to her lips. The touch sent a thrill down her spine and she knew she hadn't imagined it, she could see it in his eyes. Those eyes that could be so cruel yet so kind.

"Now hush, love," he said, his finger still on her lips. "Here's your gown." And he was suddenly holding out a dress towards her, it was the dress she had worn to the party.

"There's the bed, lantern's down," he said.

Maria shook her head, even as she took the dress from him. "But I don't want to go to sleep; in all my dreams, I drown."

The Captain said nothing; he just slowly removed his hand from her face and took a step back from her. His blue eyes were piercing in the low light of her room and she blinked, unable to breathe. If she took a step closer, she could be in his arms. Her heart kicked wildly and she took a shuddering breath as she moved to step towards him. But there was the flickering of her lamp and the lights failed. Then there was the flickering of the candle in the lantern sputtering to life but there was no Captain, he was gone once more. But she could still feel the ghost of his finger on her lips and she felt her heart ache.

But she couldn't stay here. She had been sent here on God's errand, to prepare those children for their new mother - Baroness Schraeder. Not Maria Rainer. And those children, those dear children, that she loved so very much would be just fine. And at this thought she tried to ignore the itch of guilt, but she had to leave.

The feeling of itchy guilt did not fade though, made worse by the feel of her grey dress, it coarse fabric rubbing against her skin. Maria fumbled her way out it so she could put her soft nightgown on. There was the gentle sound of music outside her door and she grabbed the lantern before she stepped out into the hall. Maria crept out down the hall as she felt the strange houseship sway and bump in the moaning ocean. She needed to be on dry land, in the reassuring walls of the abbey. Not aboard this ship, with it's raging winds and Captain with blue eyes. As she raced down the staircase she felt the house shake but she continued on, following the sound of the music.

It was coming from the ballroom and she pushed one gilded door open with care. The large French doors were closed and she could see nothing off the terrace, it was just dark. But there, in the ballroom was the Captain and the Baroness, dancing together in the middle of the room, both dressed in their finely tailored clothing. Maria felt her heart clutch as she watched them waltz around the room until they came to stop in front her, the Captain facing her.

He let go of the Baroness and pressed his hands together as if in prayer and moved them to the side of his face like a pillow. She shook her head, she was _not_ going to sleep. In a daze, she watched as he let his hands drop and turned away from her, walking towards the closed doors. He pushed through them, letting them shut with a bang behind him.

Ignoring the Baroness, who hadn't moved, Maria followed the Captain and pushed open the doors to the terrace.

"Captain!" she called as she walked out.

But there was no terrace, just the prow of a large ship. The storm was thrashing outside and she could see the water as it crashed against the ship, water spilling everywhere. The Captain stood, with his back to her. In the distance she could see Nonnberg Abbey - it was so close. She felt like she could reach out and touch it. She would be safe soon, safe from the bottomless ocean.

"Captain!" Maria repeated over the roar of the storm as she held the lantern tightly.

He turned to face her and his gaze sent a tingle down her spine. She would do anything for him to hold her again. Anything.

"I will do your chores," she said, her voice shaking as he watched her. "I will warm your cot at night and mop your cabin floors."

The Captain held out his gloved hand towards her and before Maria could think, she took it, dropping the lantern to the ground with a tinkling of breaking glass. There was no music, just the sound of the ocean beating against the wood of the prow. But she could barely hear anything over the pounding of her own heart.

The Captain twirled her around the deck and she clung to him as the ship swayed. With one arm locked above her head and the other behind her back, he kept his grip firm as he pressed them further together as they spun ever so slowly. Maria felt her breath catch in her throat as she tried to speak.

"Scold me, hold me," she whispered, "I'll be yours to keep."

His face was mere inches away from hers and she was unable to tear her eyes away from him. She felt like she was already drowning.

"The only thing I beg of you," Maria said as he his face came closer. "Don't make me go to sleep."

His lips brushed against hers and she felt the tension from the storm, and her own body, hum. The kiss was so soft, his mouth just applying enough pressure for the contact to be palpable. Her hand let go of his and fell to his shoulder, and he was so warm. Her fingers curled into the lapel of his jacket as she held on tightly. The feel of his lips, now moving hungrily against her own, and his arm holding her tightly made Maria's head swim. How could this be wrong? It felt so right. Breaking away from his kiss, Maria buried her head against his chest, trying to get as close to his warmth as she could.

"Hush now, hush love," the Captain purred into her ear.

There was the feel of cold water biting at her ankles but she ignored it as she held onto her Captain.

"Here's your gown."

Maria pulled back and saw they were back in her room once more. The Captain was holding the blue chiffon dress between two long fingers.

"There's the bed, lantern's down," he said softly as his arms held her tight.

And he was kissing her again. His hands were everywhere and Maria tried to focus but she couldn't. She could still feel cold water splashing against her and so she tried to bring herself closer to him, trying to get warm. She shivered and pulled back from his embrace to look down – they were knee deep in water. It stung her skin and panic bloomed in her chest as she saw it rising, sucking at her nightgown. The drapes from her windows were being pulled out of their hangings by the rising tide as her windows opened and clattered in the gale.

She wrapped her arms around the Captain, trying not to be dragged away by the water. He didn't move or speak, he just held her close. Despite the rising water, and the flashing of lightening outside as the ocean moaned, she was _safe_.

Above the storm, there was music. It was coming from the distant shore. And Maria realised it was singing, it was the Sisters singing in the vespers. But then she could hear the sound of the children singing too, coming outside her closed door. The sounds mingled together, sounding eerie and distorted. _This isn't right_ , her mind whispered.

 _This isn't real_.

It suddenly hit her that she was dreaming. None of this was happening, she didn't know whether to cry or laugh, and settled for both. But if this wasn't real then _he_ wasn't real. And that realisation hurt, but it didn't wake her.

The water was still rising, it was up to her middle and she went to pull out of the Captain's embrace so that she could swim to safety but he didn't let her go. There was the tight feeling in her chest as she struggled to breathe.

"I'm begging you, please wake me up," Maria cried and she turned her face up to his, coming face-to-face with the piercing blue eyes. "In all my dreams I-"

* * *

" _Hello? Is anyone there?"  
_ _The ship, it swayed, heave ho, heave ho  
_ _On the dark and stormy blue  
_ _And I held tight to the Captain's might  
_ _As he pulled up his trews  
_ _"You haven't slept," heave ho, he said  
_ _"In many suns and moons"  
_ _"Oh, I will sleep when we reach shore"  
_ _"And pray we get there soon"  
_ _He said, "Now hush love, here's your gown"  
_ _"There's the bed, lantern's down"  
_ _But I don't want to go to sleep; in all my dreams, I drown_

 _The Captain howled "Heave ho, heave ho"  
_ _And tied me up with sheets  
_ _"A storm is brewing in the South"  
_ _"It's time you go to sleep"  
_ _His berth, it rocks, heave ho, heave ho  
_ _The ocean gnashed and moaned  
_ _Like Jonah we'll be swallowed whole  
_ _And spat back teeth and bones  
_ _He said, "Now hush love, here's your gown"  
_ _"There's the bed, lantern's down"  
_ _"But I don't want to go to sleep; in all my dreams, I drown"_

 _"Captain! Captain!  
_ _I will do your chores  
_ _I will warm your cot at night  
_ _And mop your cabin floors  
_ _Scold me, hold me  
_ _I'll be yours to keep  
_ _The only thing I beg of you  
_ _Don't make me go to sleep"_

 _The sky it flashed, heave ho, heave ho  
_ _His pillow toed to the brink  
_ _The curtains ran between my legs as we began to sink  
_ _I closed my eyes, heave ho, heave ho  
_ _As the ship was rent and fell  
_ _Eddies in the water headed to the mouth of Hell  
_ _"Hush now, hush love, here's your gown"  
_ _"There's the bed, lantern's down"  
_ _"I'm begging you please wake me up  
_ _In all my dreams I..."  
_ \- _In All My Dreams I Drown_ , The Devil's Carnival (2012)

Disclaimer: I own nothing, tra-la-la.


End file.
